I have a Gold Star syndrome. As a kid I always wanted to be first, to win the prize, and to be the best student. I was thrilled when I got called out as an example for others. This competitive edge served me well in terms of academic and career achievement: I worked hard to get good results. It caused endless suffering when someone else did better than me, usually it was my school aged nemesis, Susan, and I was no longer the star. This drove me nuts.
Flip your leadership perspective for true power
I also have a powerful need to belong, be part of something, a member of a tribe. The need to stand out sits alongside the even bigger need to feel like I belong. This too can be paralysing, even as an adult.
Every three months, I meet up with my peers at the Thought Leaders Business School community. There are 150 highly successful, fiercely driven, confident business professionals in the room. And every time, this triggers all of my inner child pathologies: “Will I fit in? Will they like me? Where is my place here? Will I be the star pupil?”
There’s a paradox that exists in human social dynamics: the simultaneous need to both stand out and fit it. It harks back to basic social drivers: to belong to the family, and to feel cherished and prized at the same time.
Feeling like we don’t belong can drive us in to a shell, shrinking our visibility and hence our influence.
Wanting to stand out can push us to objectionable behaviour: pettiness, arrogance, and grandstanding. This alienates others.
When it comes to influence, if we let our basic human needs turn in to pathologies, we sabotage ourselves.
Find your leadership center by looking outwards
The single best cure I have found for these ailments is this:
Help others.
If we are trying to stand out, or feeling left out, we are immersed in our inner world, disconnected.
When we reach out, our focus shifts to others. The kryptonite of selfishness and self-obsession drops away, and we become immediately more compelling. If we help others, we also get the bonus effect of the feel-good hormone oxytocin. We do good, and we feel good. When we feel good, we emit warmth. Warmth is one of the key factors in charisma and influence.
If we get known as someone who gives support, we get valued. We both stand out and fit in, not because of performance, but for heart. That kind of influence uplifts all.
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Related Articles:
Change perspective for better people stuff power
When you feel like you don't belong
Boundless leadership: where do you best belong?
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About the author, Canberra leadership expert Zoë Routh:
Canberra based leadership expert Zoe Routh share a leadership hack for retaking your inner power
Zoë Routh is one of Australia’s leading experts on people stuff - the stuff that gets in our way of producing results, and the stuff that lights us up. She works with the growers, makers, builders to make people stuff fun and practical.
Zoë is the author of four books: Composure - How centered leaders make the biggest impact, Moments - Leadership when it matters most, Loyalty - Stop unwanted staff turnover, boost engagement, and build lifelong advocates, and People Stuff - Beyond Personalities: An advanced handbook for leadership. People Stuff was awarded Book of the Year 2020 by the Smart WFM Australian Business Book Awards.
Zoë is also the producer of The Zoë Routh Leadership Podcast.